Celebrating 20 Years of Recovery!

It was 20 years ago--on March 3, 1990--that I hit my bottom with shoplifting and with life as it was. I was in the middle of law school--just shy of 25--and I'd been shoplifting and stealing from work for nearly 10 years. My relationship with my girlfriend was on the rocks--mostly because of me. My father was in a wheelchair from a stroke and had begun drinking again. I was anxious about accumulating more student debt with just-passing grades and no real desire to be an attorney. My shoplifting and stealing were out of control. I was stressed, depressed and at my wit's end. I actually began to think of suicide as the only way to end my pain, the only way to escape. And, worst of all, nobody really knew how I felt and nobody knew I'd been stealing all this time. I was lost. I was alone...

"My world was crumbling. I knew I needed help. It was at this point that I told my Mom and Dad I needed to see a counselor. I told them I was depressed. I told them I had been shoplifting for the last several years. They were shocked but both were
supportive. My Mom said she had a feeling something was going on. She thought it was drugs. My Dad was clueless because of his condition. They knew I was a good person and believed it must be more of an emotional problem. I started seeing a psychologist. There was a ray of hope.

"But a week later, my Mom went out of town. I'd seen my new counselor once but was still unstable. I was feeling down and all alone. I got this idea to try to get back with (my girlfriend). I felt desperate, restless. My thoughts took over...

"I can't stand it! What have I done? I hate my life! Pain... there's only pain! Nothing's fair. I didn't mean to hurt her... I can't believe my life has come to this. I can't sit still. I can't stay here. I've gotta do something... I could go to the supermarket and get something... maybe a bottle of champagne, like the one I took before... That'll show her I love her... Just do it! Grab your trench coat, the long one. Saturday mornings are pretty busy there, no one will notice... I'll just go, get it, and come home...

"Okay, we're here... Just act calm. You know the trick. Walking... through... the doors... Okay, I'm in. Look around... Everything looks okay. Act normal... act friendly. Smile... Don't browse too long. Just go to the champagne aisle... Okay, we're here... Nobody's watching... Which one should I get? This one'll do... wait! Look around... Act normal... Okay, looks clear... Take the bottle and slip it under your coat... Act like you're looking for something... Okay... get out of here...

"Okay, now stay calm, just walk out... Who are those two guys at the door? I'm screwed! Keep calm...

"Excuse me, sir. Could you come with us?

"Somebody shoot me... I want to die..."

(Excerpted from "Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery," 2003, pages 20-21)

How many of us have had a "just shoot me" moment? How many of us can relate to the feeling of "hitting a bottom"?

When I re-read these lines from my story, from my life, it feels like that was only yesterday yet, at the same time, it feels like it was a dream, like it wasn't even me. But I know it was me: I was arrested (my second time) I did go to court, I did plead guilty, and I did continue in counseling. I did begin my recovery journey. And I can only imagine where I'd be--who I'd be--had I not taken that first big step... and kept on the path.

Twenty years later my life still feels like a dream sometimes. I could never have guessed that things would have evolved as they had. I never would have guessed that I'd start a support group, C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) in 1992. I never would have guessed that I'd go back to school and earn a Masters in social work in 1997. I never would have dreamed that I'd meet a woman as wonderful as my future wife, Tina. I never would have imagined I'd write and publish a book about shoplifting in 2003 and--less than a year later--be on The Oprah Winfrey Show. I never would have imagined that I'd be counseling shoplifters and others who steal. I am grateful for my addiction.

I guess it only goes to show: you never know what life will bring and what we can create as we put one step in front of the other and just keep moving forward, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring? I certainly don't. Of course, there's been many ups and downs over the last two decades in my life and I'm pretty sure there's still some ups and downs ahead. Still, I'm continuing to learn to be grateful for the journey in all its ragged, meandering splendor. It's sure the heck got to be better than how I was living in my addiction.

Today, at least, I know I have choices--and when I forget that, I have plenty of good people around me to remind me! Today, at least, I know I am a co-creator of my life, for better or for worse. Today, at least, I know, I feel less lost and more found. Today, I know, I am not alone.

Thank you all who have supported me in so many ways over these last 20 years of my recovery. I hope I may stay grounded, humble, and passionate about life and about serving life and others in a healthy way.

The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending wishes you a Happy New Year 2010.

Dear Friends,

We're back after a hiatus and will be blogging regularly!

Please note Terrence Shulman recently was featured on WeTV's "Secret Lives of Women" and HLN's The Joy Behar Show discussing compulsive shopping and spending. The WeTV segment will reair Tuesday November 24th at 12noon EST.

Also, Mr. Shulman will be featured on Canadian Broadcast Corp.'s "The Doc Zone" discussing compulsive shoplifting and stealing on Thursday December 3rd at 8pm EST.

The holidays are nearly upon us. There will be an increase in shoplifting, employee theft, and overshopping/overspending. We will be addressing this shortly.

Be safe everyone.

Money may be a more taboo subject than sex. Think about it: most of us talk more openly with family and friends about our love lives and its specifics than we do about the details of our financial lives. We may know who's sleeping with whom but do you know how much your family members or friends earn per year? How much their house or car cost? How much they have in the bank or invested? Despite the blossoming number of books, magazines, radio and TV shows devoted to wealth and financial topics, we're still a little sheepish on divulging details, lest we seem to be boasting or failing to measure up.

In my work with "theft addicts" over the last decade, it was crystal clear that most had deeply conflicted relationships with money, wealth, spending, and consumerism in general. I've worked with many clients who grew up in both financially and emotionally deprived families who felt owed "something for nothing" to make up for it. I've worked with clients with obsessive-compulsive disorders who couldn't seem to bring themselves to spend certain amounts of money on things due to a deep fear that they would go broke or feel guilty of sinful extravagence; thus, they'd steal things or change price tags or embezzle a bit from work to offset their required and more unavoidable expenditures. I've worked with clients who'd go on spending binges and then stealing binges. And I've worked with clients who had, at best, a juvenile relationship to money: no sense of reality about income, savings and expenditure.

Indeed, I was like this myself until I got into recovery in 1990. I stole with no real sense of accountability to my income and my need to save, invest, and plan for the future. Why should I have? As long as I was stealing, I had a false sense of security that no matter how hard times got, I could always steal as a survival skill. I am grateful times have a-changed. My recovery forced me to get real about money and goals. While I still lean more toward scarcity consciousness and frugality rather than excessive spending or shopping, I have been learning more and more about how our relationship to money, wealth, spending and shopping is a source of woundedness--and potential healing--that permeates our lives individually and in relationships. I even have a family member who we have been worried may be a compulsive shopper. He's even begun to consider this himself.

In the U.S. we often hear that the divorce rate has consistently hovered around 50%. Recent studies have shown that the primary reasons couples argue and split is related to money and spending issues. A friend or mine who is a divorce attorney informed me that January is the busiest month for divorce filings. Maybe it's the New Year syndrome; maybe it's partly due to the stress of the holidays just past--much of which is due to overspending.

A recent Stanford University study estimates that nearly 6% of the U.S. population (that's about 17 Million people) suffer from what the DSM-IV may soon be calling "compulsive shopping disorder." Perhaps surprisingly, men apparently have CSD at about the same rate as woman. CSD is much like other addictive-compulsive disorders (be it gambling, shoplifting, etc.) in that there is a recurrent behavior that is out of control, progressive and detrimental. For those with CSD, increased debt and financial troubles, lost time, relationship conflicts, lying or hiding purchases, and highs followed by depression, shame and anxiety typically are present.

And yet, as with most new research, it will take a while for compulsive shopping (or spending) disorder to be treated seriously by most persons. The tendency remains to treat money or shopping issues as just that:--money or shopping issues rather than as mental health issues--where, at most, it would be advised to merely cut up one's credit cards, stay out of stores or off the computer, and seek out recipes for better budgeting or financial advisors. All of these may be of some help but, often, without viewing these problems through the eyes of addiction and recovery, relapse is likely and the opportunity for further insight and healing is lost. Clinical therapeutic issues such as deprivation, grief and loss, repressed anger, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem are often at the core of CSD.

We also live in a very consumer-oriented society. It is hard to avoid temptations at every turn to spend or keep up with the Joneses. After 9/11, the President essentially told the country "don't worry, go shopping." It is unfortunate that our political leaders, CEO's, and even our own parents often don't model good budgeting. For many, it seems that a cycle of overspending as income dwindles has become the rule rather than the exception. We have a whole genre of "chick lit" (young female-oriented literature) that chronicles the joys of consumption shopping and has as its model a series of tongue-in-cheek books on shopaholism, most notably "Confessions of a Shopaholic"--soon to be released as a major movie. 

I stumbled recently upon a couple of ads that stood as further evidence of the joking manner in which we as a culture push "retail therapy." One, an Annie Sez national chain clothing store, has this tag line: "more than a store, it's an obsession." Another ad was in the December 2006 local Detroit area monthly magazine Hour Detroit: a two-page centerfold ad of various stores for a particularly trendy town had the banner "O Come All Ye Shopaholics!" Can you imagine a series of taverns, bars and saloons running an ad that read "O Come All Ye Alcoholics!"? How about a consortium of casinos running an ad stating "O Come All Ye Pathological Gamblers!"? You get the picture.

I encourage each of us to think about our own relationship with money, shopping, and spending and also consider those around us as well as the culture we live in and the messages--subtle to glaring--that bombard us each day. Take the Valencia Compulsive Shopping Scale test found our our website www.shopaholicsanonymous.org to learn more about this growing issue. Education and prevention are key. Research, books, and articles are increasingly providing us with knowledge and wisdom that can transform our relationship to money, shopping, and spending for the better. Some of us will experience deep healing and growth and also be able to pass on better modeling to those around us.

We can turn life around one step at a time toward a more stable, healthy, and joyous relationship to money and things. Let it begin with each of us.

 

Welcome to The Shulman Center Blog. We started a previous blog in September 2005 but are publicizing this blog address on our websites soon and expect a more active forum.

The Shulman Center Blog is dedicated to the discussion of three main topics: compulsive shoplifting, compulsive employee theft, and compulsive shopping/spending.

This blog is primarily intended to assist in assessing and offering treatment alternatives for these growing problems; however, it is also an open forum for respectful debate and discussion of theory and of current or past events relevant to these topics. Personal experiences with this issues--either first or secondhand--are especially welcome here.

According to the National Association of Shoplifting Prevention, 1 out of 11 (25 Million) Americans shoplift and 90% of Americans have shoplifted at least once. The FBI calls employee theft "the fastest growing crime in America" and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce estimates that 75% of employees steal from the workplace and most do so repeatedly. Finally, a recent study out of Stanford University states that "compulsive shopping" disorder affects nearly 6% (17%) of Americans (men and women about equally).

Despite these pervasive problems, we have had little room for thoughtful discussion and insight that might help individuals, families, communities, and society at large. The Shulman Center Blog is an attempt to expand on this.

Welcome! 

Hello. Welcome to The Shulman Center for Theft Addictions and Disorders Web-log. More later...

Thank you for joining us at the Shulman Center.  Visit often for comments, thoughts and ideas about theft addictions and disorders.